The beginning...AGAIN?

Wow. So it's already a new month....seems like time just races....hmmmm.

Anyways...so I've been thinking much lately...thinking about how my eyes need to turn from within....to without. I've noticed (with the Lord's gentle prodding) how selfish I am. I think it's like we don't really realize how caught up in our own stories we really are...and then all of a sudden you get it. The credits roll: and you're the only one listed. My time is not my own. My gifts are not my own. My money is not my own. My life is not my own. My home is not even my own. It is a gift to me.

So as I sit and listen to a compilation of 80's dance tunes...I think about how much further I have to go...and how long the race is. But it's so worth it. It's so worth it. There's so much to gain. So far to grow. So many people to learn from. So many situations to face. And it's pretty exciting. The prospect of it all appeals to me so much.

So here's to being humbled. Here's to figuring out what really loving/knowing people looks like. Here's to new chapters in life. Yeah.

The beginning...AGAIN?

Wow. So it's already a new month....seems like time just races....hmmmm.

Anyways...so I've been thinking much lately...thinking about how my eyes need to turn from within....to without. I've noticed (with the Lord's gentle prodding) how selfish I am. I think it's like we don't really realize how caught up in our own stories we really are...and then all of a sudden you get it. The credits roll: and you're the only one listed. My time is not my own. My gifts are not my own. My money is not my own. My life is not my own. My home is not even my own. It is a gift to me.

So as I sit and listen to a compilation of 80's dance tunes...I think about how much further I have to go...and how long the race is. But it's so worth it. It's so worth it. There's so much to gain. So far to grow. So many people to learn from. So many situations to face. And it's pretty exciting. The prospect of it all appeals to me so much.

So here's to being humbled. Here's to figuring out what really loving/knowing people looks like. Here's to new chapters in life. Yeah.

junk food and grey's anatomy.

wow. so i kinda forgot about the ol' blogspot. yikes. i think my mind's been really pre-occupied with lots of things lately. school's going crazy. i finally have the map of the finish line, though. looks like i'll be in for a few more semesters because of teacher cert preparation, but it's all good. the lord knows what he's doing and his timing is perfect. just wish i would learn to match his rather than waiting for him to match mine! :)

things are great other than that as well. i've been going dancing way too much lately. like i seriously have to stop doing this during the week. it's crazy. but it's oh so fun! :) hehe.

and pretty much other than that, life's rockin' along. just learning lots and waiting to learn more about who i keep growing to be. :)

reading a great book. check it out. it's called blue like jazz by donald miller. it'll change your life. speaking of, have a week of excellence. yeah. see ya.

the day.

so i had middle schoolers again today. same coach's class as yesterday. and for some reason...i don't know what's wrong with me that makes me love them so much...but i do. i fall in love with the kids that are the ones in iss every day....the ones that drive normal people absolutely out of their minds. i love the troublemakers...the ones that cuss and spit and are little thugs. i wanna work in a classroom with kids just like those. it's awesome to have the well-behaved...model students....but for some reason i have this bad habit of not taking notice of those kids. i fall in love with the ones that make me wanna pull my hair out by the end of the period. i love them.

i've realized that i wanna work in a rough district. and i'm thinking more and more that i wanna skip out on elementary and be with the older ones...like middle school and high school. i'd love to get the experience of all level, but the more i learn, the more i teach, the more i spend time with kids, the more it makes me wanna hang out with the ones that no one else really wants to. the ones that are awkward and trying to figure who they are...the ones that are caught in a social world of insecurity, but have so much to offer; the ones that are searching to be complete; the ones that are wanting to be loved, but would never say so; the ones that are emotionally a wreck; the ones that are spilling forth life, but don't know how to; those are the ones i wanna love everyday...those are the ones i wanna direct to maturity, wisdom, and purpose. they're awesome. i am amazed as i read their words, listen to their thoughts, and watch them interact. i love to learn from them. i love to just talk with them. i love to teach them. i am really filled with life after a challenging day. so, yeah...middle school awkwardness, high school attitudes: bring em on. i want them! :)

i'm ready to be teaching, though. i have the hardest time waiting around and just being a student. i want to soak it all up, learn all i need now...and then get my real education in the classroom...it's like right now is this busywork time...a time to get all of these (seemingly) meaningless classes and assignments done...a time to show up, not really be known in a ginormous classroom full of people...when all i really want is to be with kids...to be teaching...to be having my own classroom with my own students. eeeeeek. it seems like forever away....i know it isn't, but it feels that way. and then on top of it, i want my master's, which will be a lot easier and a lot smoother in that i'll actually be teaching while i'm earning the degree within a single school year. but, wow...seems like forever....forever!

So anyways...there's my random flow of thoughts for the day. :) Tonight I think I'm hanging out with Joseph and some of his friends. Eeeeeek. And I just noticed that I used all lower case until now...hehe. Tells you how much of my brain is left! :) Yeah...and other than that, I need to rest. Really need to rest. Yeah. So I'm outta here for now. Adios.

motivation: zero.

it seems i just can't do it right now. i was thinking today how nice it would be to drop all of my classes and just quit school. yikes. what's up? this is NOT me at all. i'm really struggling with my homework load...and it's not that i can't do it, it's that i don't want to. i don't want to wake up and go to class. i don't want to. i'm not sure what's happening right now. perhaps burn out? i know that this is the first semester that i was totally unprepared for. i didn't even know where a few of my classes were and didn't bother to figure it out before the first day. i wasn't at all looking forward to the drudge of classes from 8-5. and the start up of the semester hasn't sparked any new desire.

so....motivation: zero.

anyways...so i think perhaps there are a lot of things happening right now in life that could perhaps contribute to this crazy feeling...stress, emotional junk, just life, you know...a season. but i have an amazing home to come to...a safe place, people who care about me, the goodness of cleansing my soul, the feeling of security knowing that i am never alone. and it's all gonna be okay. yeah.

21

So I'm 21 today! Eeeeeeek. I guess I just never really thought this day would come. :) I used to think when I was little that if I could just make it to 21 and stop, life would be good...hehe. Well, I'm here...but I'm hoping that things don't stop. :)

So it's yucky outside...not really birthday celebrating goodness in the air, but oh well. Hopefully the dreariness will evaporate and the frisk air will continue via the sunshine.

Kind of a rough day at school to celebrate my birthday as well. I have 2 tests and a project. :( Oh well. One of the tests has ended and the other is coming at 2. Maybe I'll be better prepared for that one. The first was no fun. I thought it would be much easier than it actually was. :(

So I don't know what plans I'll have for my birthday. Perhaps I'll go get a drink tonight. :) Happy hour, anyone??!!!??!?!? :) I know that my roommates and friends here are all going out on Thursday night to celebrate at Jay's Bistro. And then on Wednesday I'm being taken to lunch by Debbie....and I'm not sure what else will happen...my roommates left me a really sweet note on the door to greet me when I woke up this morning...and my family has called me. So that makes the day feel special. :)

Maybe after I finally get to leave campus after 5 I'll be able to go celebrate a little more. :) For now, though, it's trudging through a few more classes. Hope your day is excellent. Do something fun in my honor!

My Head Is Spinning.

So life is spinning in circles right now, as is usually the case in the middle of the semester. Seems I don't have a minute to breathe...which isn't true entirely, just seems that way.

I really desire to learn to not complain and be negative. I think I do it when I get really stressed...or just overloaded. And that's happening right now. Eeeeeek.

This week, though, has been a really good one. Monday, class from 8-5...home to do homework...then yesterday, I taught til 1215, had to do some stuff for the pregnancy center in the quad until 330. Then it was home to work on my talk for this weekend until it was time to go to class @5...left there to immediately go out to the detention center...which was really awesome and encouraging and by far the best Valentine's Day I could've ever celebrated. Marina's coming so far. Then it was home to get my talk finished for Encounter. And then today...I've been at school since 730 this morning...then had a meeting after being in my 5 classes. Finally got home a couple minutes ago...and will be going to CrossTalk in a little bit. Tomorrow's teaching from 8-235, picking up the Etheredge kids at 245 and hanging out with them til around 10 (hopefully getting some homework done between those hours! I have 3 tests and a project due on Monday). Then Friday, I'll teach and then leave for Marble Falls for Encounter, where I'll be a guide all weekend and also give a talk (on FORGIVENESS...eeeeeeeek.). We get back Sunday afternoon. And then the week starts over again. Yikes.

So not complaining, just realizing the weight of the semester in these moments of stillness all by myself.

Eeeeek. So I am really excited about the weekend. I'm going to have a girl that has been especially picked for me because of my past counseling experience...so that should be interesting. :) It's a huge retreat, it seems, to go and spend time just meeting with the Lord. Granted, it's quite an emotional weekend, as the purpose is to break before God and deal with sin and hurt...and though I'm not the participant this go around, it'll still be a toll on the emotions since I'll be working intimately with someone (or perhaps even 2 girls)...and just from past experience, I know that that kind of counseling is one of the most emotionally draining things to undergo. So I'll just need lots of sleep and prayer that the Lord will strengthen and make me rested (in every aspect). Not to mention just talking about my story and forgiveness with my mom will be difficult. I'm glad and ready and confident that the Lord will come through...but it's still something that is out of my control really. It's a big deal, spilling out who I am and where I've come from. And it's also a time of incredible celebration concerning what the Lord has done and conquered and brought me through.

So here we are. American Idol is on, so I think I'll go ahead and just be entertained for a couple minutes before I head out to campus again. Yep...outta here.

Home is where the Heart is.

I'm sitting here in the living room with Debi and Grayson as they eat dinner: Cambell's soup and popcorn and green olives. :) I love those guys.

Anyways...so I taught today...had high school Algebra. It was really a fun day. The kids were great...a little crazy at times, but very good...and obedient. Also went to the detention center this afternoon. That was awesome...they're letting me go in when I'm not really supposed to to talk to this girl who's in and is 4 mos. pregnant. She's amazing. And she's so hungry...she's soaking up info...and really is starved for attention. She's been in foster care for 3 years. So every minute I spend with her is cherished like no other! It's a really fun set up. I get so much joy and life from being there...and she wants to hang out with me so badly...it's really awesome. Also saw my normal girl that I mentor. She'd had a really rough day...so I was glad I got a couple minutes to say hey to her as well. I love that girl. All of them. I just wanna take them home. I wish I could.

So I'll be going back out on Saturday to hang out with them...also my friend Nate will be in town performing a concert...so it'll be awesome to see him. I think we're gonna practice our song for the wedding we're singing in in a few weeks.

Also, tomorrow I'll be teaching again (same class from today)...then I'll be speaking at the volunteer training at CTLC....afterwards some of my friends are going dancing. I'd really like to go, but we'll have to see.

Okay...so anyways. This is me not being able to focus because my brain is fried. This whole post probably makes very little sense...and I'm sure the flow of the whole ordeal is less than perfect. Eeeeeeeek. Okay. So in that vein, I think I'll call it quits for now. Yeah. G'night.