life is good...when banana republic is cheap.

wow! so for christmas, my brother and his girlfriend gave me a gift certificate to banana republic (which is always welcomed...and my birthday is coming up in february! hehe). so i went there today (even braved the masses of the crowds from mexico who are here for the after christmas savings)...and i found this amazingly beautiful dress that was already marked down from 129.99 to 54.99 and then on top of that it was another 40% off. in addition, i found some really flattering jeans that were marked down from 59.99 to 19.99 and were also an additional 40% off. so i get to the register, and to my surprise i also had a coupon enclosed in the gift certificate...and then i asked the girl to scan an old gift card i thought i was just carrying in my wallet as decoration...but in fact, it had like 10 bucks on it. so when it was all said and done, i got 190 dollars worth of merchandise for only 2 dollars out of my own pocket! yeah. awesome. my favorite store...good quality stuff...cheap! sweet. i think i'm gonna wear the dress on my birthday. it's super elegant! like super elegant! and i think it'll be appropriate for the big celebration! yay.

okay...gonna watch cinderella man now...all the roomies are gone...so i'm hanging out here at home with a little quiet. nice. have a great weekend.

Perhaps it's a record.

I think today's the first day I've actually dressed up with the intent to look presentable in the last week or so! :) I haven't had meetings...or things to do...so I've just been all casualed out. But I figured today I'd better go ahead and look presentable...I'm beginning to feel withdrawals! :)

Anyways...so Christmas in Bellville was good. Ended up driving down Friday afternoon...going to Katy Mills with my brother, Heather, and my sister. That was a trip. Hehe. We saw "Narnia" and finished up my brother's Christmas shopping. Got home late...like 1 in the morning...so I was ready to crash.

Then Saturday began at my gramma's house with my dad's side of the family. We switched the tradition this year to Christmas Eve rather than Christmas morning. Kinda sad, but good, I suppose. :) So hung out with all the cousins...watched the little ones do a little Twister Moves...then went to see the house that my parents are remodeling. It was actually my dad's grandparents' house. So as you can imagine, it's stinkin' amazing as far as primitive beauty and possibility. I think, if it were my house, I'd just wanna move in as is. It was so gorgeous! Anyways...

Went to a candlelight service that night with my family and Heather's family. Then we opened gifts. It was nice this year. We ate dips and chips...and just talked and hung out. We laughed a lot...which is something I prayed for before going down. It was a pleasant night.

Sunday we just kind of bummed around. We all sort of aided my mom in preparing Christmas lunch...and then my dad and brother headed out for the annual hunt in Mexico. So my mom, sister, and I went to see Cheaper by the Dozen 2...way cute! We laughed throughout the whole thing.

Monday was spent in Katy with Heather and Rel ALL DAY. For real. We went to the nursing home to see a former patient of mine and then my mom's grandmother...but as soon as that was over, we hit the shopping scene...and didn't get back until 630ish. Yikes...yeah, that was enough for me for the year! :) Heather bought me some really cute jeans, though. :)

Headed back to SM that night...stopped bye the Brown's for awhile...hung out with them. They're such an awesome family. I'm thankful they're a part of my life. Guess I arrived back at home at 1030.

Then Tuesday, Debbie & Katy and I went to Austin....Debbie had a doc's appt in the morning...but then it was off to David's Bridal so that Katy could be fitted for alterations for her wedding dress! It's so pretty. This wedding fever is seriously contagious! :) Everyone here is getting married it seems. :) But it's fun to plan!

Anyways..so then yesterday, I was a complete bum. Went to work out, spent some time at the center, re-checked my library books, talked to Travis, Heather, Nicole...and watched a movie at my apartment. That's IT! Didn't even take a shower! :) Hehe. Kinda nice.

Today, though, I've been a bit more productive. Ran this morning, came up to the center to read Travis' story...very powerful...think I'll head home to eat the venison backstrap I cooked...and then I'll make thank you cards, read a little, and go to the detention center to mentor my new girl tonight! Yay.

So...have a great Thursday. Life is good.

Last year.

I wrote this about a year ago. Wow....how good is the heart of the Father to have brought restoration, insight, and healing into my life. I've come a long way. He's brought beauty for ashes.


Cut
Break. It's not about winning.
Falter. It's okay to not always be right.
Cry. Don't glare like you hate everything.

Pierce. Is the definition of my pride.
Cut. Is the image of my soul.
Stabbed. Is the cry of my heart.

It hurts when you hurt me. It stings when you hate me. I cringe when you re-define me. I lose all that I am when you cut through me with your words. I cry when you pierce me with your eyes. I break when you break me.

Is this the way it's supposed to be? I never read the handbook on hating in the home.
Is this how the end looks? I didn't get that memo on leaving.
Is this where it all comes together? I somehow missed that section in the manual on relationships.

I don't want this. I don't need this. I can't live this. I won't live this. I've had my fill. I won't care anymore if that's what you want. I won't fight anymore if that's what it takes. I won't bow down to you, but I can't not care about your opinion. I'll walk out and say nothing, but I can't hurt and not cry. I'll strengthen my resolve, just as I always do, but I can't be who I am without your approval. Why?

I didn't think this is how we would end. I really thought you'd come around. I really hoped that you could see me for me and not for something you've concocted. I dreamed that we could somehow be friends someday. I do'nt know anymore. Maybe I don't even want that anymore. Maybe I'm crazy. You got what you wanted. You said you hoped that your words cut me to the core becuase that was your intention. Thanks. I've always wanted to hear that from you. And you got your wish. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

He said I need to learn to be Courtney. I said I didn't know how. When will you let me? When will you let go? When will you see that this is okay? When will this end? When will there be something more than madness? Oneday.

Hope.

Ever meet those kind of people that you just look at and go, "Wow. I want to be just like them." I know a couple of those people. And this morning I had a meeting with one of them...well, actually, with two of them.

Wayne Thompson is one of the most amazing men I know. He's out at the detention center where I mentor...and he's one of those people that you just look at and he brings you joy. And more than that, he has such a heart of compassion that is contagious. Turns out he's got some girls he'd like me to work with...so I'm going out there in the morning for a counseling session...and then we're working to get an after school program started during which we can have a platform for abstinence training/STD information/relationship training. Pretty awesome stuff. It's just amazing to me that he goes so far above and beyond in EVERYTHING he does. And the love he has for people, especially the people that everyone else completely writes off, is evident just in his eyes. I wish that I loved blindly like that...and had such a sincerity about me that didn't concern itself with my own personal bias or preference...that my love for other people didn't look like my love for myself.

I've been praying that God would teach me how to love: love the unlovely...and love unselfishly...in every situation. What a gorgeous picture of the heart of Christ...Brother Wayne (that's what the kids call him out there!).

And then there was this other man, Randolph Goodman, who happens to be the business liason at Gary Job Corps...and wow! His heart of humility blessed me. He, as well, loves the kids he's in contact with...and his heart just bleeds for them...with a sacrificial garment of humility. It's inspiring to listen to both men talk...just to hear the words of Christ spill forth from their lips...and then to see the attitude of Christ being put to action every single day in their lives. Wow.

And what's even cooler to me is the reputation that they have developed. People respect those men. And moreso, people speak highly of them...with an attitude of awe...because that's exactly what they deserve. They are amazing servants...and in that they lead so graciously.

Then there's my mama. Jane Mills. Wow. That woman has seriously taught me what it means to have the compassion of the Savior. Her openness, servanthood, and compassion are more than I can describe in words. And I see this every single day in her interaction with every single person she comes into contact with. I am truly amazed. She has taught me much in life, but I think the most valuable is unselfish compassion and empathy, the attitude of Christ. I am speechless when I think of how that woman models grace. It's beautiful.

These traits have become my ambition. Because clothing oneself in compassion, humility, empathy, service, selfless love, and grace makes one more beautiful than can be described. I see in these people a glow, a spark...life that is worth living. And in their faces is a radiant beauty that cannot be bought, tainted, or made up. It's real. It's what being genuine is all about. And it's beautiful. May I learn that same attitude.

Father, I hunger and thirst for righteousness. Fill me, Lord, that I may be beautiful...and a fragrant aroma of Christ's heart. Clothe me with compassion, humility, empathy, service, selfless love, and grace, Lord, that I may honor you by honoring people. Teach my heart to break. Teach me, Lord, to love like you love. Create in me a pure heart, O God. Speak life and love through me. I desire to become less in order that you may become greater. Thank you for pillars in my life that encourage me to be more like you. Thank you for people who grace me with your love. Thank you for ambassadors of your name that pour themselves out into my life and love me with the unconditional love of you. Your name is great. Your heart is beautiful. You joy makes me complete.

productivity in the negative.

So I slept in really late this morning. Like after 10. Eeeeeeek. I'd actually set my alarm for 825. But that didn't exactly phase me after I turned it off and laid back under my cozy covers. Yeah. Fell right back asleep.

Went to work out, make a deposit, and pay the electric bill afterwards, though. And that's been the extent of my productivity today. Actually, wait a sec: did dishes. And now I'm at the pregnancy center. I'm answering phones until a staff member gets out of the rooms...and then I'm headed to the outlet mall to get the LAST gift I need for Christmas. Uh huh. My gifts look so sweet under the tree...since it's all of 3 feet tall, there wasn't really room to put them UNDER...so instead, I put them on the table all around the tree...gets the job done. :)

Went to a wedding last night. Oh my goodness. Okay, so wedding fever is defnintely among my circle of friends...everyone and their sister is either already married, engaged, or soon to be that way...like within about 6 mos. So weddings are a hot item around Cypress/CrossTalk...and basically if you're not in the groove, well then, you're just not trendy. :)

So anyways, the wedding last night was awesome. I really just went so that my roommate didn't have to go alone, but I'm so glad I did. Grayson did the wedding...and did an awesome job...and I think my favorite part was that as the groomsmen and bridesmaids walked down the aisle, they did a goofy pose right before getting to the altar for their photographs...and to stand next to the bride and groom. It was awesome...hilarious idea. And it made the wedding so personal...there was no formalities happening...so relaxed, and a perfect representation of the couple...it was pretty amazing. And then the reception was so fun. Danced sooooo much. Hehe...but then that's what I do, right? It was great. Had fun swing dancing with Chris. Then danced a lot with Kendall. Also danced with Jeremy and Jim. And I think that was it...didn't matter, as long as I was twirling around the floor. :)

Yep...so I think I'll be working at the center tomorrow, actually, yeah, I will be. Have to go deliver some things with Mama in the morning....then I'll prolly come in and see some clients....for sure seeing clients on Wednesday afternoon since I have returning clients from STD tests last week. Also going by the weight loss place to check about working some hours this week if they need me. Extra cash is always appreciated. :)

Soooooo...enjoy your Monday. Out.

gift wrap

so....tis the season to wrap gifts...adorn them in paper, ribbon, and bows. and then give them away...give away something that blesses the heart of someone else.

give away something that blesses the heart of someone else.

something that blesses the heart of someone else.

the heart of someone else.

someone else.

and that's the summation of life: someone else. it's fundamental, really. christ came here to give himself away. and while he doesn't call us to something so drastic, he still calls us to his same cause: someone else.

you are my disciples if you walk in my love. if you walk in my truth. if you're like me. (that's my paraphrase version)

how do you walk in truth? you walk in love.

how do you walk in love? you die every morning to who you are...and learn to have the attitude of christ, who in humility did not consider equality with god something to be grasped (even though he was god in flesh). instead, he came to serve rather than being served.

what would life look like if we really strove for that? i know mine would look different. what does it look like to serve? it looks like loving people that don't love you back. loving people that aren't lovely. it looks like laying down rights that you think you have...like the right to speak your mind because, of course you're always right.

it looks like ministry. the hands and feet of christ. i think sometimes ministry just becomes something that we think pastors and missionaries are supposed to do. uh huh...yeah, no. christ left earth with these words, "go and make disciples of all nations." that's a radical concept for me. jesus didn't suggest something...or leave us with a couple of church doctrines for overseas missions. he said: "you. go."

YOU. GO.

go where? go wherever you are. school? work? subway? barton creek mall? afghanistan? michigan? next door?

go. go with a big, black leather bible and beat it into people. uh uh. nope. not exactly. go as the fragrance of christ. god's making his appeal through you. everyday. not just on days when you feel like it. not just on days when you're with people who are likeminded. not just on days that you dress up for church. everyday. his appeal through you.

for you see, whom the son has set free is free indeed. and it is truth that sets you free. that truth is christ. beyond belief: into trust. the way, the truth, the life. and it is that breath of life, the gift of life, that urges to do the same. it's not easy. as a matter of fact, sometimes it's downright distasteful. but then so was the cup that christ took, a cup of utter bitterness. all for a group of people that were unloveable. all for a group of people that mocked and spit, sneered and shouted. all for a group of people that would deny his name, turn from his heart. all for a group of people that would never be perfect.

the unloveables are in fact more like the walking wounded.

because most of the time the people that are the hardest to love, the people that we can't stand...those are the people that scream for something stable...something unchanging...something selfless...something accepting...something that we have: christ's love. because if christ would've only loved people that would love him like he wanted to be loved...people that made him happy all of the time...people that deserved his love...people that were like him....i wouldn't be in the club. i wouldn't make the cut. i would fall short.

but that's the coolest thing about giving a gift: there are no terms. there are no conditions. there is an extraordinary thing called grace. and it's yours...just yours.

so you've been given that gift. i've been given that gift. why am i not compelled to give in the same manner?? why is it that sometimes it's hard to wrap my words in pretty ribbon? why is it that sometimes my attitudes aren't humility-adorned? why is it that sometimes my time isn't given as generously as it should be?

tis the season...to give away something that blesses the heart of someone else.

comedy club.

so i'm sitting at travis' listening to a comedian...pretty funny, pretty funny.

anyways...so finals are ALL DONE...yes, ALL DONE. and i'm pretty sure i'm gonna pull all a's for the semester....the only class i was worried about actually posted my grade...and i got a 94.25 on the final, which will replace my lowest test grade as well since i had no absences in the class. yes. and all the rest were good. i was confident on all...and had good enough grades to allow for about a 65 and still be able to get a's. so i think we'll be alright. nice. another semester done. pretty exciting when i think about it.

and other than that, i'm sleepy. and i think i'm repeating myself alot...because just as i began to type the word sleepy again, i realized that i was repeating myself...eeeeeek. need sleep. need sleep. okay...repeating again.

yeah...so...that's about the story. this not having anything to do these days is adversely affecting me, i think...it's good...but it's becoming a problem in lack of sleep and not really doing anything worth reporting...like just hanging out with Travis, my most amazing...gasp!...boyfriend...and doing absolutely nothing...it's nice, though. very nice. yeah. pretty sweet. a pretty awesome gift God's given me. yeah.

anyways...so now that it's almost one in the morning, i should prolly get outta here and go home and go to sleep...:) going to do lots of christmas shopping tomorrow. haven't gotten ANYTHING yet...:)

all for love...

...and heaven's prize.

we were created for the glory of god...and to do good works in christ jesus. wow. we're called to be holy and blameless because god is holy and blameless. and more than that, i was reading in ephesians about being adopted....and did you know that adopted children actually carry the personality traits/communication traits/dispositions of their biological parents rather than their adoptive ones? so in essence, that means that no matter in what set of circustances or situations we find ourselves...no matter in what kind of homes we grow up in...or under what influences....our nature, our disposition, our likeness is that of christ's by default...because we first belong to him. it also means that no matter what we think of ourselves, what we are in christ is what is true. our calling and our freedom is to be like christ. our true self....is who we are in him...that we belong to him.

our true self...is who we are in him...that we belong to him. that's it. our residency...our hope...our identity...everything about who we are...our freedom...is him. period. we belong.

in him we have life. in him we have existence. in him we have everything we need.

and how cool is it that it doesn't matter what else comes our way. we can be sure...and not shaken...that we are his...we are like him...and we can run home.

all i want...

...is everything in the world right now that's bad for me. i have no idea why. i want ice cream, chinese food, coconut, and pizza...not in any certain order...and not really all at one time...just all of those things...:)

so finals have officially started, ladies and gentlemen...just walked out of my first real one. i had a presentation last week that counted as one, but wasn't actually a written test...so tonight's was the first...and ON DEAD DAY of all things. what in the world?? oh well...tis the season.:)

other than that, i've done LOTS of subbing lately. was in a fifth grade classroom last friday. monday taught spanish all day. that was the most fun i've had so far, i think...just cause i love spanish so much...and my classes were really fun. and then today was in an advanced mathematics class...yeah, like trig and calc and all those things that i have no comprehension of...but i pretended like i did...no, actually, i didn't. i told the kids that i couldn't help them...and the extent of my help would be being intrigued by their questions. hehe. they got a kick out of it. they were all awesome, though...i had one class that really impressed me. it was a group of 6 guys..and they all came to the board to work out the problems together. it was so cool to see them each contribute to the discussion, encourage one another, and correct the mistakes of eachother in such a respectful and mature way. i really was blown away listening to them...and while i still don't know anything about the cosign or sec of anything...or the inverse of whatever those things were called, i was amazed to watch them with one another. good teaching experience, i say.

yeah...so i'm just waiting on an offer for friday. i have one, but it's only 1/2 day...so i think i'll hold out for something all day if possible. and otherwise, my week is lookin' crazier by the minute. i'll be speaking at luling high school in the morning until noon, when i'll come back for my spanish final. then it's the last official crosstalk for the semester. then thursday morning starts bright and early with my math for teachers final...yuck...then i'm headed straight back to luling for the second day of speaking presentations. then it's something that night, just can't remember what. then on friday, i'm hoping to teach...then had made plans to hang out with johnny, grant, and some of the other guys for txstate's next playoff game...BUT tix were SOLD OUT COMPLETELY as of yesterday at 2...the very day they went on sale. crazy, no?? so the plan is to either find some tix from someone who has a surplus and buy those...or hang out and watch the game on espn2...the latter is looking more probable at this point, but who knows??? we'll see.

then saturday i'm working a wedding at the cali kate...should be awesome...fun if nothing else. and i'm getting paid a handsome sum. yes. money, money, money, money...money. :) need to go christmas shopping...and, oh, should probably pay rent too. :)

alright. well, i think my eyelids are about to close, so i'm gonna get outta here. have a great night. adios.

Yeah...

Wow...have you been outside today?? Go. Go, right now. Don't keep reading until you've gone. It's AMAZING (at least if you're in Texas'hill country. I dunno about you other people all over the world...).

Anyways...so aside from that...today is the last day of my classes, except Spanish...which meets tomorrow and Monday. Can't go tomorrow since I'm subbing! Was requested by a 5th grade teacher! Yay. But I'll for sure be going Monday. Last class before the final on Tuesday. Eeeeeek. Can't believe it's already time for all of that.

Yeah...so for some reason I really haven't been getting much sleep. It's weird. My body goes through this phase (I almost spelled that with an "f"...definitely gonna need some sleep tonite!) where it likes to wake up for long periods in the wee hours of the morning...and apparently this is one of those times. I've been waking up like between 3-4 and staying up til after 5. And yesterday, I just woke up at 545 and couldn't really go back to sleep. Sooooooooo....sleep is in short supply this week. Oh well, I've got enough going to make it not so noticeable.

So the rest of today will be a little less eventful than planned. Grayson called to tell me that worship practice is cancelled for tonight...so that leaves open my evening. As soon as I get done with class at 2, I have to run by the center after going back to my apt...and then go to work at LA weight loss from 3-5...I might actually work just a little longer now since I'm not going to practice at 6. We'll see about that, though. And then I think I'll go home and do a little baking....and then tomorrow I'll sub all day...and then go see PATRICK. Going to his company Christmas party tomorrow night with him...yay...and get to hear him and his band play lotsa music. And then hang out with him. Strange. It's been 5 years since we've talked or seen eachother...exactly 5 this weekend...and still it's like we've never been apart...minus missing random events in eachother's lives for 5 years...wow. It'll be so fun to see him and hang out.

Anyways...so I need to stop writing and get going to class. Have to turn in a paper first...so have an awesome rest of your day!